The ramblings of an aimless wanderer.
Why pretend to be something I'm not?
I’m slowly learning to love my natural self. To love myself just the way I am. I’ve stopped wearing make up completely. I used to love wearing make up. I wore eye shadow to match every outfit. I was border line addicted to eye-liner. I loved that cover-up could hide any imperfection of my face. It was, however, such a burden to feel the need to put all of it on everyday. Sometimes, I would be late for school and other commitments because I simply could not leave the house without it on. Without it, I felt bare and ugly to the world. I felt more beautiful, desirable, and in control with my make up on. I eventually wanted to be able to leave the house without make up and feel the same way. It started with the cover-up and eye shadow. I simply just stopped wearing it. Eventually, I felt just as beautiful and desirable without my make up. I started attracting guys I that were more my cup of tea and it felt great! It took me a few years to be able to leave the house without eye-liner but eventually, I did it! And now, I hate the way I look with eye-liner on. I love my natural face and I don’t even care if anyone else finds me more desirable with or without it. It’s a strange freedom from myself.
I also had issues being ever dissatisfied with my body. Even when I had a four pack from gymnastics, I hated my body. It never looked right to me. I’m quite short at 5 feet, 1 inch, and I always admired the women who could, quite literally, walk tall and thin. They all seemed so elegant and I just felt like a walking stubby girl. I decided that I wanted to feel just as proud of my stubby short self as I had imagined I would be if I were one of those women. Everyday, I would look at my body in the mirror and tell myself that I’m beautiful just the way I am. I would think it when I would walk by those women I used to admire. I would act proud of my body. At first, I completely did not believe myself. I would say that I loved my body even when I didn’t. Eventually, my words caught up with my mind and now, even though nothing has changed about my body, I feel beautiful. Truly. And I am honestly very proud of my body.
Now, I’m working on my mind and soul. I’m sorry to admit it, but I’m not the person that I forever want to be. I don’t know who I want to be, and I don’t hate who I am by any means but, if I’m being honest, there are many things about myself that could improve. And if I can improve these things, then why not? I can be bitter at times. I don’t hold many grudges but when I do, I hold onto them like I’m hanging off an edge of a high cliff. I wish to be more forgiving. I wish to be a person that can let go of such strong negative feelings. Life is too short to hold on to such things.
I’m not a punctual person in the least! I’m always just barely getting to work on time, though I’ve been better about that lately. And I’m always flaking out or incredibly late to all of my commitments with friends and family. I want to be reliable. I want to be someone you know will be there if she says she will. And on time!
I sleep far too much! It’s my coping mechanism. When things get stressful, hard, or too emotional to handle, I sleep. Mainly because I have the most active imagination in the world and my dreams take me places that even the most creative minds could never imagine. My dreams are vivid, colorful, incredible, even inception would be impressed! Even when my dreams are terrifying, I will still go right back to sleep in hopes I can turn it around. I want to learn to love my life just as much as I love my dreams. Even when my life is terrifying, I want to be able to return to it with just as much willingness as I return to my nightmares. I want to have just as much imagination in my real life as I do in my dreams. I want to make memories that I can share with others, not journal about dreams that only I could and will remember.
Something I do love about myself is this: I love that I am who I am. Even though I have many faults, I love that I have an open enough heart and mind to change when I want to. The beautiful thing about my life is that, though I’m still young, I’ve changed enough times, in enough ways, to know that any change I wish to make within myself is possible. It takes time, sometimes it doesn’t even feel like I’m making the change at all, but eventually, I always seem to find my way. I have faith in myself that I will be able to achieve the ability to let go with a light heart, be reliable and punctual, and love my reality in balance with my imagination.